On the Mark, Episode 11: Only 1,400 More Laps To Go
June 16, 2009
Ok, who's the wise guy who pulled the ultimate practical joke on me? I know it was one of you reading right now.
For the rest of you, here's what the jokester did to me:
Sometime over the winter, he (or she) broke into my house, took all of my shorts and summer clothes, and replaced them with identical-looking items --- one or two sizes smaller.
This fiendish little twerp even went to the trouble of putting fake labels on these clothes, so that a shirt that was replaced with a Medium still says that it is a Large. I mean, how can anyhow have the guile to pull of such an elaborate prank?!
Then the bozo screwed around with my scales. Instead of showing what it was supposed to way, it blinked a number ten pounds heavier. Then the readout changed to "Get Off!", and just fizzled and died.
How rude . . .
I mean, I distinctly recall making a New Year's resolution that I would lose 10 pounds before the summer. And unless the New Year's Resolution Fairy is becoming hard of hearing, I clearly recall saying "LOSE" ten pounds, not "GAIN" ten pounds.
Oh well, must be Bush's fault . . . (that's a joke, people)
So even though someone is cracking up laughing at their little joke they played on me, I decided I could stand to lose 10 pounds, just to spite them. After all, I've lost 20 pounds or so on three separate occasions, and I did it in a reasonable period of time. All I needed to do was put my mind to it.
So I did a little searching on the Internet for some miracle drink or pill to lose that 10 pounds in 10 minutes.
Well, I can drink some turpentine-like substance and clean out the drywall compound in my intestines. It would make my bowels so shiny, food would just come sliding out the moment I ate it, from the lack of friction. Or something like that.
Another option would be to bite down on a broom handle, slice a small cut in my belly with a steak knife, and stick the vacuum cleaner hose in there for a minute or two. I might need to pop a few Ibuprofens to stave off infection, but that would do the trick.
Or maybe for giggles, I'd do it the old fashioned way. Sigh, I know, diet and exercise is so 20th century. But just to show that it is still possible, in this day and age, I'll give it try.
I decided to walk more. I found out that, on average, you burn about 100 calories for every mile you walk or run. The actual number varies based on your starting weight and your speed, but 100 calories per mile is a nice round number. So I started walking around the track at the Orrville High school last Friday night.
I decided to walk 10 miles -- at one time, just to see how long it would take. Because I need to lose this 10 pounds all at once, right? Surely that isn't too far, right? Well several hours later, and 40 times around the track, I had finished that task. I couldn't walk anymore for various reasons, use your imagination. Then I rode my bike for 18 miles on Saturday, and walked 5 more miles on Sunday.
Then Tuesday I walked all day at Cedar Point.
Ever since, count me among the walking dead. I'm wore out. And I doubt I've lost any weight yet, but I'll need to keep on it until I make my goal.
The sad thing is, I would need to walk 350 miles (1,400 laps around the track), in order to lose 10 pounds. At least that's what I figured out, using my calculator (hey, did I burn any calories pushing those buttons?)
So, walking is not going to be the total solution. With that comes diet. Notice the first three letters of the word. That's how it feels like.
The idiot who came up with the concept of calories (and counting them) needs to be shot. It's too hard to figure out. Then people started trying to out-idiot him, and got into all of these diet plans. The no carbs diet, the all carbs diet, the grapefruit diet, the South Pacific Diet, the Ethiopian Diet, etc.
It's just too confusing.
So after all of my research, I figured out the three simple ways to lose weight:
1. Put less food in your pie hole.
2. If it tastes good, don't eat it.
3. Get off your lazy butt and move around more.
I would like to challenge any of my friends right now to try to lose 10 pounds along with me. Now is the perfect time of year to try this, as the weather is nice to do more outside activities. Plus when it's hot, people tend to eat less. So if you're game, drop me an email and we'll buddy up on this task. It's easier losing weight if you're doing it as a team.
And finally, I'd like to comment on people getting fat, and our society in general. You know how crappy it feels, moving that large old gut over and trying to get in and out of bed every morning? Well, that really is only hurting yourself and your ego (or maybe your spouse who didn't sign up for being married to that). Or it might be hurting your dating life.
But just imagine being a celebrity, and gaining weight. Especially beautiful, glamorous women. The news media, the gossips rags, and the public in general takes great joy in watching the gorgeous movie star going from Princess Leia in the skimpy slave girl outfit, to fat 'ole Jabba the Hutt.
One sad example is what happened to Ann Wilson of the rock group Heart. Ann and her sister Nancy were both pretty hot in their day. Ann, though, had struggled with her weight even as a child, and had to starve herself in the 70's and early 80's to meet expectations of her business.
But then, she started gaining weight in the mid-80's as middle age crept in, and boy did everyone crucify her. They stuck her back in the shadows of their music videos, and put Nancy her sister up front. They made her the punch line of fat jokes. They compared her to Roseanne Barr.
Can you imagine the guilt and pain that someone like that has to endure, being in the public eye like that? It's bad enough gaining weight, but to have the whole world laughing at you? That's a tough one.
And the gal sure can belt it out, even to this day. I love listening and watching Heart perform. Here is a video of Heart singing one of their best songs, this is just from last year. Then Fergie (the rock star, not the former Duchess of York) comes out on stage to sing along with them.
Towards the end of the video, I'm guessing that Ann Wilson is probably thinking to herself, "I hope Fergie breaks one of her legs, that little . . . ."
You'll know what I mean when you see the video.
If you enjoyed that song, here is a bonus video. This is what Ann Wilson looked like in 1977, singing the same song:
Until next time, put the doughnut down and get outside and move around some more. Follow the three simple rules, and let me know if you're going to take me up on the 10-pound challenge.
Oh boy, I just reread my email blog. Please forgive my typo's.
I was trying to type fast to get a good cardio workout in, and my fingers tripped over themselves a few times . . .
Ha ha ha . . .
Or, maybe it should be Ho Ho Ho . . .
Copyright 2009, Jupiter Sales, LLC. No content may be reused without permission.