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On the Mark, Episode 19: Ohio Mark and The Lost Crusade

August 14, 2009

Hi Everybody,

When last we met Ohio Mark in the Temple of Doomed Episodes, he was falling out of an airplane with his little Japanese sidekick. Up the crick without a paddle, or should I say down the sky and without a parachute.

(This was some peculiar experiment of mine to tie snippets from my previous episodes together in a "flashback" episode (or three) so I could take some vacation. Little did I know, it's actually MORE work trying to set up each clip than to come up with something new.)

Sigh . . . . I never claimed to be simple and uncomplicated.

So anyhow, for the three of you left reading all of this mish-mashed mayhem, this is how I got out my latest mess:

The ground is rushing towards me, so I take a deep breath of air so as to make myself as full of air and buoyant as possible. You know, like a balloon full of air.

And we hit the ground and bounce around a few times and land safely on the ground.

Impossible, you say? I think not! Because between the air bubble I created, and all the padding I had accumulated the past year, it was just enough to break the fall.

"Phew, Shorty," I say to my little sidekick friend, "It's a good thing I didn't start my diet yet . . . "

(Roll flashback)

Episode 11: Only 1,400 More Laps To Go

So I did a little searching on the Internet for some miracle drink or pill to lose that 10 pounds in 10 minutes.

Well, I can drink some turpentine-like substance and clean out the drywall compound in my intestines. It would make my bowels so shiny, food would just come sliding out the moment I ate it, from the lack of friction. Or something like that.

Another option would be to bite down on a broom handle, slice a small cut in my belly with a steak knife, and stick the vacuum cleaner hose in there for a minute or two. I might need to pop a few Ibuprofens to stave off infection, but that would do the trick.

Or maybe for giggles, I'd do it the old fashioned way. Sigh, I know, diet and exercise is so 20th century . . .

(End flashback)

. . . .

Shorty my sidekick just smiles, but then I tell him, "Now beat it, kid." Yeah, I know, it's mean, but I can't figure out how to take him along on this journey anymore -- I just needed him to set up the cue about nine year olds last week. So get lost, little dude.

So Shorty is gone, and I see a village up ahead. They are all wearing turbans and riding camels. I see a small shop that sells food and supplies and I realize that I'm very thirsty. I go in for some milk.

(Roll flashback)

Episode 12: Grocery Store Lines Cause Brain Damage and Emotional Disorders

Trying to find the right lane to go through is an equally stressful experience for me.

I'm hauling all of these groceries in both hands, between my armpits, and a couple of boxes balanced on my head (I just went in for milk) -- and I have to look over each line and figure out which line is shorter. It takes 10 minutes or so to decide.

I pull out my abacus and compute the number of items in each person's cart, and multiply that number by the square root of the speed of the checkout operator. Then add the value of pie (the number, not the desert), before I account for the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, to allow for random delays (price checks, paper getting jammed, ladies with warty feet stories, etc.)

After I have made my calculations and committed to a checkout line, my very manhood depends on having made the right decision.

(End flashback)

. . . . .

So when it's time to pay for all of my food items (darned, I forgot to grab the milk . . . oh well), I flash my American Express card. The clerk's eyes light up, and says, "Ahhh, you American. That be one hundred dolla."

I don't like the fee, but I realize it's the price you pay for being an American. That is something I'm proud of, indeed . . .

(Roll flashback)

On the Mark, Episode 13: God Bless the USA

The best way you can change America is to live your life in the most honorable way you know how. People will learn to admire and respect you. They will see that quiet confidence you have, and wonder how they can get it.

And in time, they will understand that you have that quiet confidence because you have principles which you live by. Principles which transcend government, political parties, etc.

Principles from which a country was founded. And principles in which this country needs to get back to in order to continue. Principles for our children's generation, and our children's children's children . . .

One person can't change the world . . . but we can each change ourselves. When enough people do this, then you have a movement. And when you have a movement, then you have change.

And THAT is the change we all can believe in. It's not a slogan that someone uses to win a campaign. It is a decision to live your life according to your tried and true principles.

(End flashback)

. . . .

So as I'm humming the chorus of Lee Greenwood's masterpiece, I take my stuff outside when I happen to glance at a newsstand. I see the headline on a magazine that reads, "The Best Goat Herders of All Time," and it causes me to chuckle . . .

(Cue flashback)

On the Mark, Episode 14: Not One For a "Best Of" List

I wonder who makes the creators of these lists an expert at anything, to be qualified to make up any sort of list in the first place? They have about as much authority to make a list as the fish in my aquarium. Is there a degree in List Making that we can see to validate their expertise in these matters?

Indeed, where is the list for "The Best Lists of All Time?" That way, I can decide which list is the best one to refer to. So I won't get bad information from a bad list.

Furthermore, what is the best list I can use to refer to for the worst lists of all time, in order to avoid the worst things on those lists?

And what is the worst list for worst lists, so that I am not looking at the worst list for the best list for the worst lists of all time?

Got that straight?

(End flashback)

. . . .

So I walk around outside and hear some hubbub about a lost relic in a secret chamber guarded by a ghostly knight, and I'm intrigued. Plus I have a couple of episodes left to tie into this long-winded tale.

So I set course on a last crusade for this prized relic of days long gone. I fight a bunch of Nazis on top of a tank, fall in love with a blonde girl with a bad accent who ends up being a double agent for the Nazis, and I meet up with Sean Connery (I ask him to talk, just to ooh and ahh over his voice). I eventually end up in a secret chamber where people's heads are rolling all over the floor.

I have a bunch of slings and arrows and knife things try to kill me with each test. When I finally reach the secret chamber, I find the relic guarded by a ghostly figure.

(Roll flashback)

Episode 15: Do Ghosts Know How to Moonwalk?

Now the question I would have for all of you ghosts out there would be:

"If you are real, why do you resort to all the cheap parlor tricks?"

I mean, if I were a ghost I think I'd come up with something better than walking across a hallway in some boring person's house. No, I'd go pick a house that was much more interesting. I'd go sit in the White House and listen in to all the top secret meetings . . . Hey ghoulish dude, instead of loitering around down the hallway, how about grabbing the vacuum cleaner and helping me out around here? If you're going to live here, you've got to pitch in just like the rest of us.

And could you take out the garbage, while you're at it?

(End flashback)

. . . .

So anyhow, the ghost guarding the relics is none other than the guy who played Scotty on Star Trek, and he's guarding hundreds of Star Trek ship Christmas tree ornaments.

"You must choose the correct ornament of the U.S.S. Enterprise, from the Hallmark collection, the year was 1992" he says in a serious, yet Scottish drawl. "That's the ORIGINAL Enterprise. Registry NCC-1701. No bloody A, B, C or D!"

So I look at all the cheap knockoffs, and back in the corner is the most beautiful relic I have ever seen. The sun's rays are casting the most majestic glint of sparkles off the Enterprise's saucer section. Those fine lines of her engines just cause my heart to pitter patter.

The deflector dish is even the right shade of color. Ahhh, I live for moments like these.

I grab the ornament and bring it over to Scotty. He gives me a whimsical look. Did I chose wisely? Will I live, or will I be zapped by a phaser beam?

"Aye, laddie, you have chosen . . . . wisely."

He smiles, but then his face turns to a stern expression. "Now get out of here, you geeky nerd! Before the walls and ceiling collapse!"

I notice that an earthquake just conveniently started causing everything to come tumbling around me. I start to run out of the room, then stop.

"Hey Scotty," I ask. "Can't I at least keep the ornament? I need it for my collection."

"Of course you can't, now beat it! And get a life!" He glares at the rocks and walls while they come falling all around us. "I can't hold it together anymore. I've given her all she's got, but this room can't take no moooooooore . . . . . . "

So I pout for a bit, but then I hand Scotty the ornament. I run out of the chamber in the nick of time, and the adventure comes to an end.

I get on a plane, and a red line keeps drawing itself over the planet while I'm flying home towards Ohio. Trumpets are blaring. I notice that when we go over Washington, D.C., the line just gets sucked into a black hole (cue up the needle ripping over the record), but then writes again once we're past their airspace.

I had one more episode to tie into this epic tale, called "Don't Let the Sound of Your Own Wheels Drive You Crazy." It's about thinking too much, and taking it easy. But I'm tired from this adventure, and I don't want to think anymore. Plus nobody is still left reading this, so why go to the trouble?

All of this thinking has caused my head to hurt. How about you?

It's time for me to Take It Easy.

And so should you. Good night, everybody.

Fade to black.

"The End."

Roll End Credits.


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