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On the Mark, Episode 21: When Lunchboxes Attack

August 27, 2009

Hi Everybody!

This is the back-to-school edition of “On The Mark.” I’ve only got a short time here before recess lets out to write this email, and they only give us 3 minutes between periods. So I’m going to make this short.

So let me see the new lunchbox you got this year. Oh wow, that’s cool! Mom wouldn’t let me get that Brittney Spears one. Said something about being a bad influenza or something. I have no idea what that means. I’m brown bagging it today, until I decide which one to get. Because I have had some pretty cool ones before.

First there was my Land of the Lost lunchbox in first grade. See, here’s a pretty picture:


When I grow up, I’m going to marry Holly! She is sooooo cute! And Chaka the monkey dude is going to be my pet. If not him, maybe a chimpanzee or something. Something cute and cuddly and smells fresh like oranges. Maybe an orangutan.

Do you watch Land of the Lost? The dinosaurs are soooo scary. Except Mom and Dad tell me they aren’t real. Except maybe Dopey, because he’s kind of cute and not very scary. Some mean kid at school says that the dinosaurs are just lame puppets, but I said, “Nuh, nuh!” They look a bunch more real than those fake dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

Then I decided to be a really cool kid, and I got my very own Happy Days lunchbox:


Aaaaaaaaahhhh! Now that’s one cool lunchbox.

When I grow up, I’m going to be like The Fonz. I’m going to click my fingers, and the pretty girls are going to come running. Or maybe run away; I’m not sure yet. Oh wait, girls have cooties! Yuck!

Right now when I hit the wall with my fist, I can’t turn on the record player yet, like The Fonz can. All that happens is the pictures and mirrors fall off the wall and break. My caboose is still sore from Dad ‘splaining to me that that trick doesn’t work.

Lenny picked on me for having a Happy Days lunch box, because he said it was for babies. I told him to “Sit on it,” and that he wasn’t cool. He pushed me on the ground and took my lunch money.

Oh well. Maybe I’ll be Ritchie when I grow up instead. I’m still thinking about jumping over a shark on water skis wearing a leather jacket, though. That would be SO COOL!

I think I kept that lunch box for a couple of years, just to prove how cool I was. The thermos got kind of crusty, but back then germs and stuff like that were good for ‘ya. After all, back in the 70’s we needed to get toughened up because an ice age was just around the corner . . .

Then in 3rd or 4th grade, a new King Kong movie came out. Here’s my box from that year:


King Kong is sooooo awesome! The movie that came out wasn’t as good as the black and white one, but I still love King Kong. When I grow up, I’m going to go on a boat and find that island. I want to bring back King Kong’s son, the little white fella who was nice in the other black and white King Kong movie after the first one.

Then finally, Star Wars came out:

After that, no other lunchbox was cool anymore. That, or maybe I was too old to take one to school. Not sure which. Because I’m sure a Punky Brewster lunch box in junior high sure would have gotten me a lot of attention.

Oh, and let me show you my sister’s lunchbox. Remember this?


She had all kinds of Holly Hobbie stuff. To me, that’s kind of girly, but she’s a girl so I guess that’s all right. And if she ever tells you that I played dolls with her, she’s lying!

So anyhow, I guess a few years later they stopped making these metal lunch boxes. They made them out of plastic instead. Somebody told me that they stopped making them because someone sued somebody because metal lunch boxes were considered a deadly weapon.

I really don’t get it, because meanwhile kids are walking around carrying wooden and aluminum baseball bats. And Sis, if you are reading, do you remember when you hit me over the head with your baton? How’s that for a deadly weapon?

The funny thing is, the baton bent in two, and she started to cry. Not because she hit my head and I could have died or became more mentally distorted than I am now. No, she was upset because she ruined her baton. And somehow that was my fault . . . .


So no chewing gum in class, and if you cheat you get a zero. And study hard, and some day you’ll grow up and be somebody really important. Or maybe you’ll just write silly little emails at lunch time for the heck of it.

Because nothing much has changed since we went to school as kids, other than the entire world and our culture, ha ha ha.

However, it’s still probably politically correct to give your teacher an apple at school. Except, it needs to have a certificate of authenticity that it is organic and not sprayed with various chemicals, not imported from Mexico, that it was inspected by the FDA, that it was stored in a climate-controlled warehouse with monthly health department inspections, that the rodent control certificate at the grocers is in compliance, and that the workers who picked the apple have their proper I-9 forms and other government paperwork on file.

Oh, and before the teacher eats it, he or she must sign a waiver of all liability in the event of choking, death, indigestion or physical discomfort, dental problems, loss of wages, emotional distress, etc. And if a worm is found in the apple, you must do the proper thing and make sure it is returned to its original, natural habitat.

Yep, things sure haven’t changed very much since elementary school. Just the lunchboxes.

Have a great weekend, everybody,




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